I Will Be
by Iris Messenger
Summary: It was a new sensation, being free and strong enough to decide her own fate. How ironic, that now that she was free from that man, she was a slave to her own body. A one shot in Esme's POV when she is just coming out of the newborn stage. Eclipse spoilers


She sat there in the rain, wondering whether to go inside.

Her eyes were ruby red, but they could be passed off as contacts. She felt so ashamed of her eyes. It would be welcome punishment to be in that room with so many humans, her throat burning and her stomach cramping.

Never mind that she could slip and kill yet another human. It would be selfish to go into the gas station. She couldn't pretend she needed to use the bathroom or get a drink (well, get a drink, but she didn't want to)… After all, the only body fluids she had were blood and venom.

Esme spat out the clear liquid gathering in her mouth, trying to get rid of the terrible pain.

All she had to do was lure that man getting out of his car to fill it up with gas. Just behind the gas station and into the copse of slender trees. She'd be able to break his neck before anyone heard a scream, and then—NO!

She had been gentle and soft before she threw herself off the cliff and was rescued by her angel. Now everything about her was _hard_. Even her heart, that she could stand here and calmly contemplate killing someone. Esme had once dreamed off being loved by Carlisle, now that would never happen. She wasn't worthy of his love—perhaps she really had deserved _that man_ as her husband.

She leaned against her car, aware that her white dress was getting see-through and immodestly clinging to her figure in the rain.

Once she would have worried that someone would see her like this and try to hurt her. Now she was stronger than that.

It was a new sensation, being free and strong enough to decide her own fate. How ironic, that now that she was free from _that man,_ she was a slave to her own body. Finally, ever bit of her tense and wanting to spring on the nearest human, she half threw herself out of the shelter of the filling area and streaked across the highway into the woods. It was so odd, knowing that she'd killed somebody.

Odd and terrible.

She wasn't far from where they lived, Carlisle and Edward—and her. If they even wanted her back…

"Esme?" A soft voice startled her. She jumped and turned to see Edward with a sad smile on his face. "We were so worried about you." He added.

She turned her face away. She didn't deserve their affection.

"You do." Edward insisted. "I've killed many more than you." He added, a note of the same self-loathing Esme felt in his voice.

"It's not the same." Esme shouted. "I'm a _monster!"_

"You're not." Edward replied calmly. "Carlisle is worried Esme, come home."

Home.

Carlisle.

Those words sounded so wonderful in the same sentence. Edward cracked a smile at that thought, and Esme would have blushed if she could have.

"I think he loves you, Esme." Edward said gently. "Don't be ashamed."

She glared at him. "Edward Cullen." She began, and then she stopped. "I _killed_ someone, Edward. Carlisle's so perfect, so beautiful, so—"

"You're gentle and wonderful, the best of us slip, Esme." He reassured her. "Now come on."

Edward got up and held out a hand to pull her up. Esme hesitated, and then took it.

When they got back to the house Carlisle was waiting, and Esme had never been so glad to see him there. Edward bounded in exuberantly, but Esme hung back.

"It's all right, love." Carlisle said, the endearment falling easily off his lips. She smiled a half smile, then stepped forward so her eyes glittered like rubies in the light of the house. They'd been dimmer before, starting to fade from her time as a newborn, but now…

Carlisle was calm, though Esme heard a slight intake of breath.

"I'm sorry Carlisle." She whispered. He nodded.

"It happens. You'll be stronger next time." He replied, infinitely gentle. Edward had tactfully melted away a moment ago, so it was just them. Carlisle standing in the doorway, Esme just outside, dripping rainwater.

She opened her mouth to say something, and then closed it. Carlisle stepped out into the rain with her and closed the door.

"Esme—" Carlisle, normally so sure, sounded strangely hesitant. "Esme are you all right?"

It struck Esme as an odd question, why would she be all right? "No I'm not." She answered truthfully. "I will be." She added.

There was silence between the two of them. Then Carlisle spoke again. "This is probably a terrible time," he began, "but I think I'm in love with you."

Esme was so startled she looked up at him, forgetting her crimson eyes that told of her shame. Then she looked down.

"I understand if you don't—don't return my feelings." He said quickly. "You've been hurt before."

Then she looked up at him again. "I think I love you too." Esme said softly. "How could I help it? You've been so kind to me, given me a second chance. Forgiven me."

Startled at her own boldness, Esme leaned very close to Carlisle and brushed her lips across his, pulling back very quickly and looking down before she saw the light in his eyes.


End file.
